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Dear Vibe Curator,
Much to the joy of my teenage self, I find myself seated at a friend's dinner party pretty often.
I like to think I'm good at "middling," but I was at a party recently that was like pulling teeth. I wanted to facilitate an engaging conversation for all, but it was hard. Unsurprisingly, one guy talked way too much, and there were several people who weren't giving much to work with.
What are some techniques and tips you do to be a good middle when the group needs a storyteller, a facilitator, or maybe a shot in the arm?
As someone who has organized her whole life around refusing to bend to the will of the loudest man in the room, I feel your pain.
Hosting is an art. The good news is that it is a learnable skill that can be mastered through repetition and creative experimentation. The bad news is a lot of people, your friends included, are not naturally good at it and do not put in the time or effort needed to learn how to do it well. Some folks get so caught up in aesthetics, how everything looks and photographs, that they neglect to consider how things feel. Others take on too much and spend the whole party in the kitchen or refilling glasses, leaving their guests to fend for themselves. I have both hosted and attended my fair share of mid gatherings that have left me hungry, confused, or frustrated. But bad hosting is both incredibly common and very easy to overcome.
My favorite book on the subject is Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. Parker asks us to resist the urge to be a “chill host” and instead take responsibility for four things: 1) setting the tone and intention for the gathering and facilitating guests in pursuit of that purpose, 2) protecting your guests from boredom, distraction, exclusion, or other overbearing guests (like Mr. Talkative), 3) equalizing your guests and disrupting hierarchies and differences in status that exist outside of your gathering , and 4) connecting your guests and guiding them towards making meaningful connections in the room.
The host has the ultimate authority to shape the space. As a guest, your actions should contribute to the purpose and intention that the host set. At the beginning of the gathering, check in with the host and ask a few questions. What inspired this event? What might they want or need help with? Would they mind if you helped by doing XYZ? Getting their input and consent before you attempt to take control of the room will help ensure you don’t end up like Mr. Talkative— well-intentioned but overbearing and off-the-mark.
When I find myself or someone else taking up too much air time, I throw out a related question to the group or direct a question to a specific person I’d like to hear more from. If Mr. Talkative is going on and on about Game of Thrones, you might ask the group what shows they think are most underrated or overrated. Other variations of this question: What’s a cancelled show that you would bring back? What makes a show binge-worthy vs. worth the weekly wait? When the conversation gets too narrow, throw out something expansive enough to re-engage the group.
You know the old wisdom around avoiding discussing politics and religion at parties? While I don’t necessarily subscribe to this school of thought, here are five topics that I believe work in pretty much any social setting: pop culture, personal experiences, hobbies/interests, travel, and local lore.
Pop culture includes questions about movies, music, television, or celebrity gossip. I would be careful about the latter though because you never know who is connected to the person you are discussing. Even if someone has super niche pop culture interests and are members of an obscure fandom, understanding how they got involved and what keeps them engaged in that community can still be an interesting thing to chat about. Potential questions in this category include:
What remake was better than the original?
What’s a recent movie that actually lived up to its hype?
What’s the best concert you have ever been to? OR What was the first concert you attended?
Personal experience questions are those that solicit harmless, humorous stories that help you learn more about the people you are in conversation with. Personal experience prompts include:
What is something you were absolutely convinced was true as a kid that turned out to be hilariously wrong?
What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve done to impress someone?
What’s an irrational fear you have that you know is silly but can’t shake?
Hobbies and interests are what I prefer to be asked about over the dreaded “so what do you do” question. I need a trigger warning before anyone asks me a career-related question in a social setting after spending nearly a decade in the “so what do you do” capital of the world, Washington, D.C. Hobbies and interest questions include:
What’s an interest you had as a child that you have recently rediscovered?
What’s a skill you have learned and mastered as an adult?
What’s an activity you do that always makes you feel most like yourself?
You don’t need a particularly well-traveled group to engage in travel-related discourse. It’s more about who we really are and how resilient we can be when we are stuck somewhere without our routine comforts. Travel can unlock our best or worst selves. Potential discussion topics can include:
What’s a place you visited that exceeded your expectations?
If your worst travel experience was turned into a sitcom episode, what would it be called?
What is your funniest “lost in translation” moment while traveling?
Finally, my favorite category: local lore. Every place has its own specific history, culture, and quirks. Nothing brings a group of strangers together quite like exchanging tales related to their shared home. Local lore questions include:
What’s the most ridiculous neighborhood drama you’ve witnessed or been part of?
Which local business has the most puzzling business model, but somehow manages to stay open?
What strange local sight or sound have you gotten so used to that you don’t even notice it anymore?
I think you get the point. When you see someone narrowing the space for discussion, expand it. If the discussion is getting too exclusive or too awkward, pivot to something that can engage anyone. But above all else, make sure your intentions really are in service of the group and not just your personal vendetta against one guy. Because chances are he thinks he’s doing the exact same thing you are trying to do: making sure he’s a good guest facilitating a memorable experience.
Let’s just hope you’re a bit more self-aware than he is.
Those are lovely conversation starters! Thank you!